Dear teenage & young adult me, There is so much I want to tell you. If only I could somehow deliver this letter back in time and make sure you read it, so many things would have turned out differently. There is so much I wish you could understand at your age. I know you think you know it all, but trust me you have so much left to learn. Life is so much more than you think it will be. All those plans, those dreams, as amazing as they are. None of them workout the way they’re suppose too. And that’s okay because it all turns out better than you have planned. I know right now what you’re feeling. What you’ve been feeling since you were around 14 and what sometimes you’re still feeling, yet hide from others. Confusion, frustration, hurt, anger, you’re lost. Remember your feelings are valid, and you don’t have to hide them. Though we know you will, because what good is a picture without a smile right? Alcohol really makes those smiles appear doesn't it? Please know you don't always have to drink to have fun and be happy. It's okay to deal with your feelings once in a while. Can I also remind you; your worth is not found in your size? That fitting into a size 2-4 jean isn’t all there is to life and you’re slowly ruining your body just to achieve that. And take that dramatic eye roll away, because I truly mean it. You’re killing yourself slowly, and for what? The approval of others? Trust me, in 10 years their opinions won’t matter. I’m also here to tell you it’s not your fault you didn’t carry full term, that there is a reason, a beautiful, stunning, life changing reason that you couldn’t carry. That as sad, and heartbreaking as it was, and still is right now, it makes you that much more appreciative of what is to come. You will never get the answers you’re looking for, but you’ll begin to understand in little ways, why God chose to take yours back. And while I have your attention, can we also address your choices in boys? And your choices in general while you’re trying to find yourself? You’re going to meet a few who teach you some amazing lessons, who in those moments truly cared and truly loved you, for you. Cherish them for the season they’re in your life and appreciate all they teach you. And don’t hate me when I say this but you’ll screw up each chance with them. And you’ll live to tell the story, though at that moment, you didn’t think you’d live to see another day. You'll also equally meet a lot that will teach you some horrible lessons. I know they will all say they care. And I know they will all say you can trust them. Can I send you a big warning, you CAN’T and you shouldn’t. And if given the chance which you'll be given many, PLEASE walk the other way. I mean you should’ve walked away the minute he started telling you what size you had to be, to be seen with him, how you had to look, how you had to dress, right down to what colour your hair had to be. We both know those red flags should’ve made you run sweetheart. Yet we both know he was just the tip of the iceberg of choices you could’ve avoided, wasn’t he? And right now, I can tell you’re probably rolling your eyes again, because we both know how your heart works. You’re too forgiving at this point in your life, and you’re just looking for something, anything, regardless of how it looks to others around you. Can I just let you know in on a little secret? They’re not in it for you. I get that is shocking to hear, but please take off your blinders, it’s not you they want. They don’t actually care. Harsh I know, but you’ll survive. To them you’re just another number in their phone who answers anytime they call. Don't make yourself that girl. You don’t need to be that girl, the party girl, the go to girl, the one who is always picking up the pieces and covering for everyone else girl. Seriously you’re going to crash and burn, when it ends, and it WILL end. I’m just here to say it is not pretty. The aftermath of picking up all those pieces you thought you had so perfectly fitted together will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But another small reminder, if you so choose to ignore my advice which I know you will. Do not let the mistakes you make define you. Do not let anyone define you. Period. Do not let anyone call you names, or look down on you for the choices you made. You’re more than your mistakes and it’s okay if you make them! Life is about learning and growing, regardless of the way you choose to do it. In between all the chaos in your life, you’re going to meet your forever. I wish you had opened your eyes and met him sooner, but alas here we are. Give it your all, let go of that past, all. of. it. Let go of all those insecurities, about yourself and about relationships in general. And jump in with two feet. He will challenge you; he will push you to become better, he will be the best thing that ever happens to you. The life in which you build together will surpass any expectations you had. You’ll become best friends, and before you know it you won’t remember life without him by your side. You’ll raise a horse, a dog and a daughter with this man. You’ll make a house into a home with this man. And that’s only the beginning of all you will take on together. Above all else, I promise you, that you will make it out. You will make it through all the bad, all the hard times, all the times you thought you wouldn’t and it will be beautiful. I’m not going to lie there will be tears, heartbreak, and a lot of questions as to why, but you will survive and it is pure magic when you see the end result of all your hardships. Don’t let life harden you, remember who your parents and grandparents raised you to be. Cherish every moment you can with family, all too quickly those moments will become memories. And remember every day to wake up, and love yourself. You are worth all the love you so freely give to others. You are not your mistakes, and you are not your past, so please stop living there. Release it and know God see’s you, loves you and cares for you, the real you and He’s working all things out for the better. Sincerely with love, an older, wiser version of you xoxo Ps. You're a good friend, daughter, wife and mom, regardless of your past, how you dress or how you choose to raise your family. Stop doubting, stop comparing and embrace every single second of your beautiful, incredible life.
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❤️no perfect parents, no perfect kids, but a whole lot of perfect moments along the way.❤️
. . I’ve found myself wishing that if only everything could look & be as perfect as these posed photos are, then everything would be okay. . . And that has led me to do some deep soul searching as to why I keep feeling that way. The comparison game is so easy to fall into, from the scrolling and constant posts of perfect photos. As I really dug deep into why I was feeling like this, I came to the following conclusions. Perfect would be boring, 24/7 perfect would be agonizing & so difficult. . . And while not everything is as perfect as this photo may look, I’m choosing to embrace and be grateful for what we are & all we have instead . I’m grateful for the early mornings, the craziness of drops off to school, and the silliness of after school picks. . . I’m grateful for the constant questions of why, for the laughter that carries through our house, and the sink full of dishes at the end of the night. I’m grateful for the piles of laundry, and for the love that that flows through our home. . . You both keep me on my toes, you both know exactly what buttons to push and when to push them, and somedays I swear you both do it just for fun. . . . But you both also show me the most love, and forgiveness. You give the best hugs and kisses and have taught me how to gracefully handle any situations life throws our way. . . It isn’t perfect, it never has been, but I’m choosing today, to be grateful nonetheless ❤️ what are you choosing to do today? . . 📷 @paulthompson23 👚 @bam_dezigns #familymatters #joyoverperfection #choosinggratefulness #momlifethroughinstagram #noteverythingyouseeisreal #realmomlife #workfromhomemom #choosingcalmoverchaos all in Gods timing. His perfect, perfect timing. I repeat daily until I feel okay again. ❤️
. . . I know with His timing it will all be okay. And that eventually everything will work out. . . . I know what’s meant for me, for us will happen. I know all of this. And I trust God & his timing. . . . But I just need a minute or two to pull myself together. Because sometimes the things life throws at me, the path God wants me to walk. It gets heavy. That’s all. . . . And for those of you dealing with heavy issues this week, this month, this year. It’s okay if you need a minute. It’s okay if you don’t quite feel okay. It will all work out, but allow yourself that time grieve, to acknowledge and to feel. Remember, you’re not alone. ❤️ This last year was a year of emotions to say the least.
Things were not always easy, or sunshine and rainbows. There were a lot more tears then I'd like to admit, a lot of frustrations, disagreements and in the end growth. BUT honestly, when the storm clouds cleared God always reminded us of how much we truly have to be thankful for! We've done A LOT in 2019! And I'm SO proud of my family, of the things we've had to overcome, of how close we've become, of how far we've truly come! It was a year of experiences, of growth, of self love, of blossoming and of learning that bad does happen, but that there is always a rainbow after the storm! Some of the amazing things that happened this year, we can't even really put into words, but I'll try below! ALL of our businesses exploded, in ways we never imagined. When we first took over my dad's DJing business, we did it with the intention of only booking a few weddings, or parties etc. We never saw ourselves doing it full time, but apparently God had a different plan for us. We were blessed to be apart of 20 different events from weddings, and stag & does to parties and Christmas events. We cannot believe how big our little business has grown. And though it may seem small to some, to us it is HUGE and we feel SO lucky to be apart of so many wonderful people's special days!! I took a step back from Peyton's Favourites but still continued to fill regular customer orders! This year saw my menu board go from 50 different recipes to 60! I was able to help guide some very amazing families in their raw food and natural treat diet and was able to meet some amazing new customers through referrals! It honestly means the world to me that SO many invite me into theirs and their furbabies lives and trust me to provide the best quality treats! And of course with my Norwex business, where do I even begin!? I made a goal for myself last January that I wanted to grow in reaching people and educating others about Norwex but also that I wanted to grow my team and level up! This past November my team made that happen for me! And I became a Sales Leader! As I tell Paul everyday, this is only the beginning. I know 2020 will be full of challenges and personal growth for my business, but I'm ready and willing to face them head on! 2019, also saw me go from a full stay at home mom, to a part time working, stay at home mom! It was an adjustment for sure, but one I wouldn't change for the world. I've been able to put my diploma to use and honestly forgot how much I love working with kids and being inside a school setting! This year also saw some health problems, we had a lot to face with Addilyn's cyst, and it growing and swelling as she continues to grow. We dealt with our new reality and conquered a lot of long nights filled with tears, and pain and things I didn't think I'd have to face when I became a parent. But God carried us through, and we're thankful for those lessons, for those times, and for the knowledge of doctors who helped walk us through it all. We also faced a lot with her speech. At the beginning of the year, we barely could understand Addilyn. We spoke to her in sign, it was a lot of repetitive motions and a lot of stress and anger from her because she knew what she wanted to say but just couldn't say it. We also experienced A LOT of triumphs with Addilyn! Addilyn said her first full sentence, she turned 3, FREAKING THREE! Still blows my mind, that we have a 3 year old! And she became more independent than I could ever imagine her being. She completed her first round of speech therapy, and was discharged for 3 months until her next assessment in late January! She has come leaps and bounds from where she began, and I honestly know this is only the beginning for her! She will move mountains, and change hearts and do it all with such love, laughter and smiles. I cannot wait to see where 2020 brings our beautiful girl. This year, saw me lose myself, and believe all the things I saw on social media about how I should look, talk, and act. It saw The Devil almost win over me. It saw me realize how much I truly need God in my life, and it saw God win over all the battles I was facing personally, and fighting silently. It saw me become the strongest, healthiest and happiest I've been in a long time. I'm far from perfect, but I'm closer to becoming who I've always wanted to be, so for that I am thankful for 2019. 2019 taught me I can handle almost anything, it taught me not all things are guaranteed and that literally in a matter of hours your life can change drastically. It taught me that no matter what at the end of the day family is all that matters, no matter the circumstances, no matter the situations. They are the ONLY ones who will have your back, day in and day out. I've realized this year to not think I have it all figured out. Because it seemed this year that the minute I thought I had it all figured out, God would decide I needed another lesson. I'm beyond grateful for these lessons but honestly I'm hoping for less lessons this coming year. Though I feel this is wishful thinking. Overall, this year has been one of blessings, lessons, laughter, triumphs and lots of love. This year I'm not doing a New Year's resolution. Instead I'm just looking forward to a happy, healthy, and full of love 2020. I'll greet each day with thanks for waking up, and thank the Lord for each and every day I get to continue my journey on this beautiful earth. We hope you all have a blessed entrance into 2020, and that this coming year is filled with happiness, health, love and laughter for you and your family. I sat on the floor next to her bed, begging God to calm her spirit, and mind. We were almost 1.5 hours into our daily bedtime routine. Tears streamed down my face as she continued to repeat herself and I just couldn't understand her. The repetitive words, and actions started again for what seemed like the 100th time. My husband and dog were curled up in the other room trying to get some sleep despite the angry yells of a 2 year old who knows what she wants to say but just can't say it.
I HAD LOST ALL HOPE. There was no hope in the night ending by explaining away the childhood apraxia, autism & sensory issues. My heart ached to reassure her and convince her that she didn’t “need” whatever it is she was trying to ask for. That everything really is okay right now. And then have her drift off to sleep. But there is no rationalizing with childhood apraxia, autism and sensory issues. There is no rationalizing when she is so diligent in trying to convey her words. She would continue until she wore herself out and finally crashed. To watch it completely consume her devastated my heart. I was left feeling totally overwhelmed, alone, defeated and hopeless. In no time the lies flooded my heart and I was felt like the worst Mother in the world. These lies fill my head daily, and I have spent the last week tearfully and prayerfully trying to identify all the lies I am hearing. I am shocked at how often they creep up. I am amazed at how they affect my decision-making, my mood, and my mothering. I found they are all variations of five soul sucking thoughts. 1. My life is SOOOOOOO different from _________ This one is tossed around my head more often than I would like to fully admit. It doesn't matter who it is I'm speaking with but when other moms try to help and speak into my life, I can be prone to thinking, "Your children are fantastic. You have no idea what THIS is like. My life as a mom is SO different from yours. We're night and day." While all of that might be true on a practical level sometimes, I think reality is that it is a lot less different then it is the same. I am amazed everyday when I speak to other moms who can identify with exactly what is happening with me, my family and Addilyn. When I speak to my friends about our children, most of the time we ALL have the same concerns, hopes and expectations of motherhood. So honestly is it really all that different, from you? No. 2. You Know Maybe Her Doctors Just Got It All Wrong.. I am not sure why this one still creeps up so much lately. It's kind of like the five stages of grief, I haven't quite moved passed denial in my head, though out loud I speak as if it is all okay. Despite all the evidence that points towards Addilyn's diagnosis I still think sometimes, somewhere someone got something all wrong. Maybe it's not as bad as they all tell me it is. This always leads me to my next lie... 3. It Is All Of My Fault If you ask anyone who is close to me or has been to a Norwex party of mine you will know I blame myself frequently for Addilyn's cyst forming on her brain. That the chemicals I used while pregnant during work are the cause of her brain forming the way it did. Because truly there isn't another explanation as to why. I fully believe somehow I am the cause of her childhood apraxia, sensory issues and high functioning autism as well. That it's because somewhere along the way I messed up and now she is "damaged" because of it. This makes no sense, I am well aware. I also know of all the research. Logically, this is crazy. Yet, I honestly still think and operate as if my poor mothering choices during pregnancy is what caused all of this. 4. It Will Never Improve, or If I just Work Harder with Her It Will All Disappear... I often put these two together because I find I swing between these two feelings far too frequently. I find myself totally depressed and actually, believing that it is never, ever going to be any better than it is right now. I can look back and see all the progress she's made in just a few short months. I can look ahead to all the therapies, programs and assessments and learning opportunities and know we will make the most of it all. I logically know it will change and maybe improve over time. But then there are days where I absolutely believe her progress just will not happen. And it's horrible to say but its the truth. The evil twin of this lie is actually the exact opposite Maybe If I Just Work Harder with Her, It will All Disappear and She Will be Okay!! If I could just figure out the right schedule for breakfast, lunch, dinner snacks, bed time and playtime. Find the right speech curriculum to follow that best suits our needs. Add more exercise and outside time to our routines, take away all screen time, change her diet, get her in to see that specialist we've heard such great things about. If I could do all those and then some, she could become better, it would all get better... and she would finally be okay... This one I know is the most ridiculous, because my own mind keeps implying that something needs to be "fixed" about my daughter. That she isn't wonderfully made, therefore she needs to be changed. Its actually terrifying how often I believe this one.. YES I realize that working to get them best options for treatment and support is a good thing. But believing somehow that God's plan is not for our good, and it is something I need to change. That's just harmful for everyone. 5. I Am Always Failing Her. And finally, the mother of all the motherhood lies – I am failing my child. I let her watch a movie when we could've been outside together. I am failing my child. I let her stay up way past her bedtime, not because there was something special happening but because I was exhausted and couldn't bring myself to get up off the couch and start the agonizing bedtime routine. I am failing my child. I let her eat cookies for breakfast, because I didn't want to see another meltdown so early in the damn morning. I am failing my child. I forgot to schedule her follow up appointment with her doctor. I am failing my child. I am failing my child. All of these lies create chaos and confusion, and frustration. Both in my heart and in my relationship with my child and my family. And the crazy thing about it, they are just lies, plain old stupid lies. So tonight, I am praying and I am praying hard. I pray I choose to believe what my husband and sweet friends and family see when they see me and my daughter. I am praying I do not dismiss all of these opinions for twisted versions of our incredible life. I pray I continue to see Addilyn for all that she is, and all that she will become, because she will become someone great and I will be right there through it all with her. I pray I do not mistake her lack of words for misery, but see it as an opportunity to grow in a sacred bond with my daughter only few can truly understand. Tonight I pray I have eyes to see us how He sees us, fearfully and wonderfully made. Tonight I pray people accept the messy, sometimes failing, sometimes victorious, stumbling, loud, beautiful, hard working, grateful, completely dependent on grace, loving family we are. I pray that Addilyn always knows and sees that despite the lies inside of my head sometimes, that I am her number one fan, her number one supporter and cheerleader and that no matter where the road may bring us, I believe in her, and I know no matter what we can do this. "look for something positive in each day, even if each day is a little harder than the last" -Becky |
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December 2019
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