"Normal" toddler speech development varies. This I understand. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like the worst mom, ever. I understand some can master speech, while other's fumble through even the basics. I get it, this is NORMAL. But it doesn't stop these feelings. So please stop telling me, it will be okay. It doesn't feel okay right now.
Everday I struggle Addilyn not talking. It makes me feel horrible, incapable and that maybe this mom thing just wasn't for me. I know it is normal and these things happen but it doesn't make it any less of an issue right now. Every. Single. Day. I feel like banging my head against a wall and screaming " WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME!?" I hate having to guess what you're trying SO hard to say to me. The reality of all of this is I'm struggling more with speech delay than it seems you are. We go through the daily motions, of the grunting, gesturing, pointing, guessing of you trying to explain why, what, who, where and when. And I'm dumbfounded because as hard as I try, I can't undersatnd. I just, I can't figure it out. Soon, the tantrums start, the crying, the screaming, the hitting of your head, the biting. And I'll be the first to admit I'm dying inside as you become so frustrated because I'm that frustrated too baby girl, I'm that frustrated too. I think what bothers me the most is everyone else acts like its no big deal. She will catch up they say, as if right now what she's trying to say doesn't matter. As long as she catches up it's all good. **insert huge eye roll here** Easy for you to say. Your child can explain to you their needs, wants, whys and how's. Your child can ask simple questions, say simple words and isn't stared at blankly when they speak to anyone outside of their family, just because they babble instead of trying to string words together. During her assessment, we were told she was developmentally on track, minus her speech. We were put on an at home speech therapy program for 6 months. And we're working at it but who wants to feel like everyday speaking with their child is homework. I know I don't. And I try my hardest but sometimes I feel like my hardest isn't enough. Maybe I just don't spend enough time with her, or talk to her enough. Maybe I'm just not present enough. And I will admit I'm struggling, I'm struggling so much! I just haven't quite figured out how to have one sided conversations all day long without feeling like I'm going crazy. I'm sure its good for her development, I know it is actually. But having a one side conversation where the only answers I get are babbles, grunts and pointing, it gets old real fast. And if that makes me a horrible mom for saying that, I'm wearing that title proudly right now. Because until you're in my shoes you can't even begin to understand the frustration of not having your child answer you back properly, especially when she tries so hard too. She understands me, I just wish I could give that back to her. I wish I could understand all she babbles about. I wish I knew what smart ideas she was trying to tell me. I know somewhere up in there, is the cure for world hunger and cancer, and the ability to end wars with a sentence. And maybe that's why she just hasn't chosen to speak yet, maybe we're not ready for all she has to say. But my goodness I just wish she could say something, something about her day, something about how she's feeling. Anything, really. And some of you are probably laughing at me, I see you, you're the ones who pray for the day you're child just stops talking for even 5 seconds. Don't wish that away. I pray for the day my child begins to speak and is understood and is heard. When your baby fails to reach developmental milestones at the regular rate of other kids, it makes you feel like garbage. Maybe it's social media and the constant comparisons of children, but honestly I think it's just life. We all want the best for our children and when we can't give them that no matter how hard we try, its frustrating, it's defeating, it's literally exhausting. I get its normal, these things happen more often than not. But I just want to hear words, please, thank you, no, yes, any. little. thing. at. all. No matter how big or how small. I just want to hear her little voice bellow it out. I know one day I will look back and laugh about how I wanted noise and words, when I can't get two seconds of peace and quiet. But right now I yearn for noise, I yearn for words and mixed up sentences, and arguments as to why she can't do it and why she feels she needs to be allowed to it. I know I'm not a shitty mom. But I just wish I could so badly give to her the words she works so hard to convey. I know God has some sort of reason behind all of this, though I may not see it yet. So I'm trusting, I'm trusting that He will carry us, and trusting the fact that the world just isn't ready for all Addiyn Margaret Elly Thompson has to say yet. And when she does speak, she will move mountains, she will calm nations, she will bring peace to those around her. Because she is fearfully and wonderfully made and oh so loved by everyone. And no speech delay or diagnosis is ever going to change that.
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